“Time, it doth wither the heartiest of blooms; But the branch it doth remain; To wait for Time itself to yearn; For to see its blooms again.” Hodgson, 2016.
When writing any history of human endeavour, countless examples exist of triumph and defeat, misery and elation, excellence and dismal failure, but for the vast majority of our species, those extremes are willingly traded for the contentment that abides in a life of steady, but unremarkable progress towards modest goals. A worthy life indeed.
However, in every generation there appears a small group of individuals for whom the words defeat, misery and failure have no meaning. Aside from their lack of a dictionary, these exemplars of persistence are bonded by their determination to succeed and their resolve to persevere until they have done so. On their shoulders, Empires are borne; by their hand, worlds are conquered; and at their feet, civilizations fall. Alexander the Great, Napoleon, Bob Champion straddling Aldaniti: just four for whom mediocrity was a dirty word. (They really needed that dictionary.) Now, to that list of pre-eminence can be tacked your firm-buttocked, glistening-thighed colossus that revels in the adversity of oblivion: The Inconsequential.
Those of you with sound, long-term memories and acute intuition may have noticed, almost imperceptibly, that something was just not right with the World in recent months. Yes, there was a vote in the UK that had a momentous outcome; indeed, in football, there was the unedifying spectacle of Iceland defeating the nation that invented the game; and, of course, in the US, a multi-billionaire with more bankruptcies behind him than credible supporters, made his way to the final of the biggest competition on the globe. All noteworthy occurrences, to be sure, but still there was something missing. Then, it hit you. Of course! Our beloved, quaint, Old English satirical magazine! Whatever happened to it? Has it sold out and turned Conservative like so many other previously left-of-centre publications? Have the Editors forgotten what they were going to say? Has its reader died of loneliness?
Well, we thank you for your concern, but there is no need to worry. We are more than happy to reassure you that our principals remain intact, our verbosity is unassuaged, and Francine is awake and taking light fluids, though doctors have forbidden her to tackle one of our sentences. We have been away longer than usual and our website has undergone an enforced change of address (find us now at www.theinconsequential.org), for which we humbly apologise, but in common with those aforementioned epitomes of dominance, our spirit is undimmed and our tenacity undiminished.
I won’t detain you unnecessarily with a detailed explanation for our absence, as you can glean the pertinent facts from our Cover Story, rather I would reassure you that our non-appearance was only ever temporary and but a brief hiatus on our journey to 51% market share and, from there, to eventual World domination.
Yes, we’re back, resuming our mission to highlight hypocrisy and injustice in a manner which we hope you find thought-provoking…and satirical, for that matter, but if we fall short in that regard, at least you can admire the syntax and just look at the pictures. It would be remiss of any beloved relative returning from an extended summer holiday to do so empty-handed, so please accept with our compliments some traditional favourites: the straw donkey that is the Fifth Column, sometimes uncomfortable to look at, but always a talking point; the fridge magnet of Poo Corner, occasionally overlooked, but always a delight when revisited; and the commemorative mug masquerading as Those Ethics Girls, comforting and well-used, but warming on those long, winter evenings. Of course, there are other delights, sprinkled throughout like a spilt bag of Tutti Fruttis, but I will leave these fluff-covered gems for you to unearth. In the meantime, keep the faith, and be assured that more beauteous blooms will follow.