WANTED: OLD STYLE 3-PIN PLUG. Must have all three wires. Will pay anything reasonable for antique. Call Ben Frankly-Crazy on an old-fashioned telephone. Willnot accept email, mobile or text communication.
WANTED: WAITER for camping trip by extended effervescent family Swordin. Will eat with the family as cannot pay proper wage. But will get own sleeping bag, just outside the main tent.
WANTED: TENT the size of Balmoral Castle for extended effervescent family. Will consider renting as long as seller doesn’t expect much back after holiday.
WANTED: SET of industrial level latrines for camping holiday of the extended efferevescent family Swordin. Free delivery and placement needed but will see the provider alright in honours list – we are well-connected.
WANTED: CAMPING CHANDELIERS. Preferably mock-Tudor candle-type. Standards must be kept up even when one is in nature.
WANTED: Security for camping holiday of extended efferevescent family Swordin. No investigation of background or character will be carried out. No public agencies need apply as you couldn’t afford it.
FOR TWO WEEKS, the area previously called Northumberland will be evacuated to accommodate the extended effervescent family Swordin. Anyone displaced will be rehoused in local hostelries at low cost. It’s a sacrifice worth making for the wealth of your country.
WANTED: CAMPING THRONE, prefereably unused. Will accept gift of slightly used by Lord or Lady with full control of their bowels and household.
WANTED: PERSONAL CAMPING TUTORS with cynical curriculum for temporary tutoring of extended effervescent family Swordin. No political polemics and 60s hippy-type proletarian literature accepted.
WANTED: SPECIALIST DOG WHISPERER. Extended effervescent family Swordin terriers need sensitive care during two-week camping holiday.
FOR ALL BUT THE 3-PIN PLUG, APPLY TO HM GOVT HOME OFFICE ON LETTER-HEADED PAPER.