News Real 1 – Issue 31

BRAIN DRAIN

Mr Nathaniel Ural is a fellow who is displaying symptoms of a modern malaise. The man from the Fens has, apparently, begun to lose his previously acute ability to distinguish between the European otter and a mink.

He is undergoing a course of analysis, privately funded of course, so no need to worry about draining the NHS resources, that is attempting to get into the man’s deep psyche. The approach will seek to uncover the reasons why a man who could once identify any kind of otter from another cannot even see the vast difference between an otter and a mink.

His condition is negatively affecting his social life, as his friends tend to laugh at him and ridicule him by performing hand-shadow puppetry for their own amusement at Nat’s cognitive entropy.

Early signs are that Nat is just one in a growing number of people who is suffering from stimuli deprivation, which results in an atrophying of brain cells at an alarming rate. Some experts blame daytime TV, whilst others point the finger at advertising and soaps, but a significant portion of the scientific fraternity believe Nat’s condition is due mainly to the lack of diversity in life. Standardisation of ideology in the world is causing an acute narrow-mindedness and callousness that combine to shut down parts of the brain indiscriminately, so as to hide signs of something even worse than boredom; a lack of capacity to identify anything from anything.

However, while the scientific community rattles on with the research analysis, Nat’s dog has recommended the new otter-spotter app. available for all platforms other than Crewe Railway Station.

COLOURFUL LIVING

The Office of Notional Statistics has released recent data predicting a fall in mortality rates among those who colour their hair blue more than once in their lifetime.

“We’re not sure whether it is due to the colour blue, the proletarian lifestyle or the propensity to stroke small pets that affects the figures,” a spokesperson said, with crossed fingers held behind her back. However, she added without prompting, that she prefers the colour blue to some of the awful reds that people use as “it makes them look like communist matches.”

WHAT’S LEFT?

Apparently, if everyone in the world moved even one degree to the left simultaneously, there would be a significant political climate change.

The author of this revelation, Mr Fib, is editor in chief of the much maligned periodical, Southpaw Monthly.

Although it wouldn’t immediately redress the terrible slippage to the right that has characterised all of the twenty-first century to date, the left shift would begin a revival of things leftist.

“Though the experiments of left shifting have historically been poor, we, in our greater modern understanding of hope, should be able to make a better fist of it,” Red Kendra said.

PUBLIC SPIRITED

In Wisbech last month, £87.12 was raised for charity by the local council. In between the acceptance of and enacting of cuts in services for the nearly living citizens, the council held a sponsored poltergeisting in the old village hall.

“Everybody’s spirits were raised by this event,” said a councillor. The poltergeist is the troubled soul of an ex-council worker who died just a week before retirement – the old style.

“It’s great he still wants to help, even though he’s obviously dispirited,” said another, independent, councillor.

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *