News Real 8 – Issue 31

GOING, GOING, GONG

Eric Bleugh has quietly, in keeping with his earthy honesty, declined his award of OBE in the New Year Honours List.

The fellow from Avewunmore has been regional Shove A’penny champion for the past twenty-five years. He has created a Shove A’penny Academy with his winnings over the years. He told a local reporter that, “Tho a bit flat-cappered*, ah can’t accept a gong for services to watching t’pennies, ahter alls said and done, it’s ainly me doing sommat I love an’ being the only me ah knaws.”

Meanwhile, without ceremony, an unnamed man or woman from the UK, has become an NMBE (a Non-Member of the British Empire), when they died very soon after being sanctioned by the DWP. The award was for their services to fulfilling a role in economic scapegoating, euphemistically called performance targets and value for money for taxpayers.

* A parochial term for flattered.

OUT ON A COMMERCIAL LIMB

The Artistic & Esoteric ward at the NHS hospital in Strife is in danger of closure.

A government spokesperson said that the twenty-first century cannot justify support for anything cultural that may encourage slightly dissident behaviours, however accidental.

Ailments such as broken routine, broken promise (including political complex breaks and breaks from reality), broken heart, severely strained relations and the theatrical proverbial broken leg are currently treated at the medical department.

A critic of the strategy said, “Closure will mean a severe dislocation for those patients* for whom this service** is a crucial crutch. It’s another step on the road to the cruelly class-ridden ideological mantra of the modern governments: ‘Proletarians heal thy selves!’”

* Thespian clientelle.       ** Profiteering Opportunity for private sector.

DIVINE SPARK

An honesty box located in The House of Commons caught fire recently and caused a right kerfuffle.

At first, terrorism was suspected but a forensic analysis found that it could show evidence of God. It appeared that the fire was caused by an unknown form of spontaneous combustion. Apart from the impossibility that it was an inside job, a kind of visceral abstention by a Rt Hon. member, the traces of charred wood showed no earthly substance could have been the cause.

The PM said, “It couldn’t be any member of the UK as this democracy and all of its ideological tenets are so popular with all the country for this to be anything like a protest against the government.

A MATTER OF ARTIFACT

There’s an archeological and theological storm brewing over the finding of an artifact of possible biblical import.

Dirt diggers have uncovered a stool thought to be produced by no less than Jesus himself. The article of faith is being hotly disputed. Some commentators say that without extensive tests, the story has no transubstantiation.

“Early indications are that there are traces of wafer and wine in the remains of the stool, which would suggest that it could have been from the saviour,” said a faith-based scientist-cum-archeologist.

Detractors and heathens simply say that although a recognisable stool, it could have been produced by absolutely anyone. Like so much of archeology and theology, any outcome of findings is still based on projection of expectation and imagination. The versatility of technology only creates another layer in the belief and faith strata that underpin such findings.

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