News Real 1 – Issue 32

WHERE ARE THEY NOW?

THIS MONTH:  This month?

NERVES OF STEEL

A very wealthy fellow of privilege has defied the odds and visited the wreckage of the UK steel industry. The well-to-do gent has shown his gumption in thinking that his visit will in any way help the victims of crass ideological expediency. There were many photos of the chap condescending the steps where once workers toiled and renegotiated the erosion of their working terms and conditions to no avail. The wealthy fellow, during the same period had his terms and conditions enhanced by his mum; lucky lad.

“The drip, drip, drip of our industry bleeding to death has been like a Chinese water torture,” said a sad would-be poet and highly-skilled ex-Steelworker.

LITMUS PAPER TEST

A group of contrary scientists has come up with the notion that conducting your life according to scientific advice can cause severe confusion. This condition can also include twisted knickers, weathercock syndrome and kinonausea.

According to the group, the best way to avoid these symptoms is to swallow a leaf of litmus paper. Then, when you pass the paper later, check it and just work out what it means for yourself.

RIPE AS A SEWER

Somewhere in another privileged part of this world, quite near to Westminster, an MP is considering suing the investigating agencies that found her guilty of fraud and stealing from the public purse in the not too long ago but forgotten past expenses ‘scandal’.

“Being labelled as a criminal, even though I got off scot-free, has traumatised me and made me very anxious over ever doing anything like it again. I am also taking legal advice as to whether I could sue the govt and legislators in creating such a morally bankrupt system in the first place,” said the minister with a buff-coloured portfolio to make it up as she goes along.

The government has responded by promising to set up an independent trauma unit for MPs caught stealing from the public purse. The convicted but blemish-free MP will head the independent committee’s investigations, with an increased expenses allowance.

Ms Daisy Cutting-Corners is the LabouraTory MP for Going South constituency.

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *