News Real 10 – Issue 32

HOT LICKS

Dave Remorse, recognised as one of the world’s leading air-guitarists was tragically electrocuted at this last gig. He made the mistake of playing in an electrical storm. In the last bars of his air-guitar rendition of Jimi Hendrix’s Red House, the hapless ether strummer was struck twice in the groin, and, as he writhed on the stage, the audience didn’t realise that his gyrations of pain were not part of his act.

A reconstituted or even reformed Phil Collins fan quipped, when appraised of proceedings, that the tragedy was due to there being something in the air at night, going on to say that the atmosphere was indeed electric. He later went to see his hero in the hospital and assured the suffering axe genius that he would always be afforded a warm reception by his faithful, the next time he gigged in the area.

SAW THREE

The performance of a famous illusionist was halted when, during his sawing a person in half routine, three rough sleepers fell out of the box onto the stage, frightening the audience.

Apparently, the poor people had encamped in the generously appointed box when the performer was in the north of England recently. The police were called and the offending reminders of the severe housing crisis exacerbated by a draconian punitive support regime, ironically referred to by critics as Well Fare For Yourself, dictated by Tories, were promptly removed and arrested for loitering with intent to be warm and off the streets and will be charged with illusionary trespass next week.

“There’s no magic wand we can wave to eradicate the problem. I’m sure that if Stalin had been a magician he would have made the man and the problem disappear in a puff of smoke and mirrors. Whilst we admire his decisiveness, we are compelled to use political sleight-of-hand to hide the issue of making people homeless with our relentless attack on the vulnerable in the name of economic prudence.” a spokesperson, or familiar as he is sometimes referred to, for Greyskull said under hypnosis.

The illusionist, once a member of the great unwashed before fame set in to set him free, was upset at the unceremonious treatment of the down and outs:

“I wanted to let them stay in the box until they could get somewhere of their own but I was told that I was being unrealistic and slightly communist in suggesting such an outcome. After I witnessed how quickly they were made to disappear, my act seemed to lose some of its magic.”

The illusionist called off a number of his future performances as he was clearly dismayed and ashamed at the unsavory spectacle he witnessed on stage that night.

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