Dikipaedia

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You know how it is.  You hear a word or a phrase that you just don’t understand, so you race to your dictionary, search fruitlessly for 30 minutes, then toss it aside and pretend to everyone that you knew what it meant anyway.  Online encyclopaedias are all very well, but they don’t half go on a bit, don’t they?

Well, now there’s the perfect solution.  The Inconsequential brings you Dikipaedia – the world’s first online repository for obscure and, in some cases, non-existent nuggets of the English language.  Nearly everything you didn’t know about things you didn’t want to know about…er…yes, that’s right…is revealed and explained in one easy-to-access page!  Never again be embarrassed by your ignorance at parties; banish that lack of self-confidence caused by your inability to grasp the simplest forms of street jive; say goodbye to…oh, you get the idea!!

Now, read on and be enlightened…

THIS WORDY REPOSITORY WILL GROW EXPONENTIALLY WITH THE SENSE OF HUMOUR OF THE UNPOPULAR MASSES.

λ

a) (casual grammar): A symbolic equivalent of collaboration.

b) (vulg.) The sign that you’re sitting next to a hair-splitter.

c) An artisan formerly known to test one’s patience with irritating pedantic interjections.

ABSCESS

A sore point with philosophical compulsives.

AC/DC

a) Someone showing ambivalence towards current events.
b) Indicating at least two bodies’ incompatability when covered by an electric blanket.

ACUTE TRUST

A political entity that embodies an unquestioning leap of faith in the goodness of the soul of privatisation.

A KICK IN THE MONADS

A term describing the futile act of trying to hurt followers of G.W. Leibniz.

ALGORITHM

a) A rather disparaging term for someone out of touch with the US zeitgeist.

b) An obscure formula used to calculate the intelligence of the US Vice-President

ALPHABET

Modern term for act of gambling on which letter comes next.

ANTICS

The repeated activity of leaf-taking.

APARTMENT

a) Housing a grudge based on a misunderstanding.
b) A subtext.

A SIGH OF THE TIMES

a) A frequent, usually involuntary, utterance of exasperation made by a large number of modern employees.

b) (pers. rel.) Heard emanating from many a confused would-be lover.

ASPIRE

Somewhat unrealistic hope that sees a point in everything and that the sky’s the limit.

ASPIRIN

Philosophy of plucky optimism in those whose exam results are derisory and wholly inadequate for the twenty-first century shrinking labour pool.

AUDIO

A wild west extravaganza on the radio.

AUDITORY

A conservative taste in cars.

AUSTERITY

The state of subsidising ruling social and political elites by the working-classes. (see Prosperity, its political synonym)

BANK HOLIDAY

a) Used as a day of mourning by employers and capitalists. It is slowly becoming obsolete.

b) Vacationing inside a financial institution.

c) (US) A day on which Satan is worshipped by the feckless proletariat.

BASIC

Profound nausea akin to sea-sickness brought on by watching Pamela Anderson’s breasts joggle up and down

BEER CAN

(West Indies) Bacon.

BELL END

a) The merciful silence after a bout of over-activity from campanologists.

b) The tip of a clapper.

BELL-BOTTOMED

(Derog.) Person with a behind the size of Big Ben.

BELLY

a) (Med.) Similar or related to a ‘ringing’ in the head. Not like tinnitus.

b) (Joc.) Of or pertaining to a bell.

BELLY DANCING

Involuntary movements caused by ringing in the head. (see ‘Belly’)

BERATE

A commodification of existence.

BERMUDA SHORTS

Comically oversized summer pants wherein scientific sight of one’s vitals can be lost.

BILIOUS

a) Acting the goat.
b) A mild concussion brought on by eating too much rubbish.

BLIZZARD

A wintry warlock

BLOWING YOUR OWN TRUMPET

a) Behaving like a right King Cnut.

b) (vulg.) Pleasing oneself.

c) (socio-political) Self-promotion by someone unable to afford servants.

BOB-A-JOB

A now obsolete term for work avoidance. First coined when a bloke called Rob Thestate used to get out of accepting a job offer by repeated fainting and then claiming loss of memory. He was finally thwarted when they offered to give his Giro to charity because ‘no-one called Bob had turned up to sign on’.

BONE CHINA

(v. vulg.) Pathological disorder of over-ambitious Casanova.

BOOLEAN ALGEBRA

a) A derogatory term uttered by those wishing to deflect from their own ignorance.

b) (Slang) A term of abuse in parts of the north-west of England.

BORE-HOLE

a) (coll.) Term used to describe either of the two Houses of Parliament.

b) Name given to any place or building frequented by a contestant on a reality TV show.

BULLION

Undue pressure put on someone to relinquish their ingots.

BUNNION

Baking that can induce tears.

CAPABILITY

Possessing pointless dexterity with headgear.

CAPITALISM

a) A cheap conjuring trick designed to make public monies disappear faster than a white rabbit.
b) A jolly good ideology, indeed.
c) An economic system that concentrates its interests in its major city.

CAPRICIOUS

Whimsical tendency to criticise the films of Frank Capra.

CARBUNCLE

Father’s brother that takes a great interest in your food intake.

CAREER

a) Growing doubt over the efficacy of the NHS.
b) Describing the diminishing returns in the labour pool in advanced global capitalism.

CARNAL

Pertaining to visceral pleasure in all things motoring.

CARNAL LUST

A desperately unhealthy obsession with motoring.

CAT GUT

Severe indigestion that feels like you are ready to furball.

CAUCUSES

a) A place where the bases for April Fools Day is enacted in the US and Canada.

b) ‘A Kick in the Caucuses’ is a countrywide euphemistic term for corruption in US elections.
CHAMOIS LEATHER

(political party slang) a tool used by members of the unemployed, able-bodied working-class to tend to windows of opportunity whilst claiming benefits.

CHASTE

Anyone pursued at speed by another living entity.

CHERRY

Unsullied merriment.

CIRCLE OF FRIENDS

A social group of four well-rounded people.

CLASS STRUGGLE

a) Something a teacher (particularly urban) encounters every school day.

b) (Slang.) A euphemism for two or more schoolkids fighting in Maths and English classes.

COALESCE

Colliery closures.

CONDEM

a) An ultra-modern term describing the doom-laden, catastrophic result of a hung parliament.

b) (semantics) The received pronunciation of a tool to avoid any issue.

CONGENITALS

Members of any modernising political party.

CONSENSUS

The disingenuous practice of a government asking 100 people in Surrey to ascertain the opinions the countrywide populace.

CONTRACT

a) A legally binding paper usually in favour of the employer.

b) (der.) a modern combination of the terms ‘con’ to deceive, and ‘tract’ meaning a literary, religious or political outpouring.

CONTRADICTION

US movement intent on suppressing full expression of democracy.

CORNISH

The likeness to a very poor joke that fails as a maize.

COUNTERFEIT

Medical condition of people working in retail without the aid of a chair.

COUNTER INSURGENT

a) Someone angry with a ruling in tiddlywinks.

b) A bored gamer.

c) Someone angrily disappointed by the number of visitors registered on a website.

COUNTY

Casual arithmetic.

CROW’S NEST

Particularly unsightly result of failed cosmetic surgery above the eyes.

CYCLONE

The paradoxical copying of a person’s thought to ensure conformityand atomisation simultaneously.

DEBATE

Embarrassing Punch & Judy type gainsaying, most often found in places with red, and green seats.

DEERSTALKER

a) A well-loved hat suddenly rejected because of unwanted attention.
b) A letter explaining a sudden break up between friends, acquaintances and/or lovers.

DENSITY

Site of extreme poverty.

DEPTH CHARGE

a) Tax levied on mooring submarines; usually measured by the fathom.

b) A small charge made on thespians and philosophers in their canteens.

DEVOTEE

Keen follower of fashions in beards.

DICTION

a) (Inf.) Repelling of a person called Richard.
b) (Military) Urging a person called Richard to an upright position.
c) Exclamation when a person called Richard excels.

DIKILEAKS

a) A socially compromising medical condition.
b) An incontinent neck-tie.
c) A codename for a supergrass called Richard.

DIKIWEEKS

(coll.) A very difficult period of time when things don’t go to plan, usually observed online in public.

DILDO

Extinct Australian bird that died out due to its predators hearing its constant buzzing.

DISSENTRY

The disease of rebellion. Usually contracted in drip-down political systems of profound inequality.

EERIE

A frightening place to take a brooding female back to for romance.

EFFICACY

(Obs.) Blaming the football for the lack of skills and entertainment.

EMOTIVE

Virtual reason for actions and behaviours.

ENTREPRENEURIALISM

The practice of seeing human need as a self-serving economic opportunity.

EVANESCENT

A term to describe industries in Wales.

EXPENSES

a) Monies paid to the ruling elite but paid by the proletariat.
b) (obsc.)A person who used to think in French

EXPLOITATION

(see Entrepreneurialism)

EXPOSED

A person that has recovered successfully from a period of pretentiousness.

FACEBOOK

The ‘activity’ of talking to a wall.

FART

a) Post-modern computer generated art.
b) Opportunistic blowhards that stink.

FAILURE

(political)  An obsolete educational term.

FECKLESS

The overly polite term for criticising the proletariat.

FILIGREE

A green soft cheese.

FISCAL RELATIVISM

Those politicians and corporate movers and shakers who, without holding an interview or advertising the post, employ members of their family on their (or taxpayers’) payroll.

FOCAL POINT

a) Member of the underclass (often agrarian) giving directional help.
b) A rural grass.
c) A member of the rural working-class espousing a philosophical premiss.

FOIBLE

Something coughed up by a cat in New York.

FRETBOARD

An object on which a person can ride over their sea of troubles and worries.

FUTILITY

Describing not many people or things that are of use.

GENTILE, GIOVANNI

An Italian Idealist philosopher. Not to be confused with the Italian football defender whose philosophy was based on the ideal of making a moving body inert through the intervention of any part of his own person.

GOOD WILL

Complimentary term for someone who has competently and morally successfully made provision in the event of his death.

GROUSE

A churlish dwelling.

GUEST

The art of having predicted who turned up for dinner.

GULLIBLE’S TRAVELS

Going the extra mile to meet an Industrial Capitalist and/or Entrepreneur halfway.

GYROSCOPE

An alternate Cornish spelling of the term that described just how little state unemployment benefit once bought. Also used as a term of insult for those in Devon not looking for work.

HARD WATER AREA

(Geog.) A region 66° 33′ 44″ north or south of the equator.

HEDONISM

A philosophical creed practised throughout the football season by Emile Heskey and Peter Crouch.

HICKORY

A soft malleable wood normally found in small towns in the United States.

HI-FI

A modern expression of jubilation using only thumb and index-finger.

HUBBY

Patriarch-like. Usually the axis of a nuclear family unit, persisting until the feminist revolution. (see Spokesperson).

HUMILITY

Philosophy of ex- Work-at-Home advocates who actually fired themselves from their jobs. (see Fiscal Relativism as antonym)

I.B.S

Irritable Banking Syndrome

IMPLY

Deception perpetrated by an elf.

INCAPABILITY

Lack of superhero powers.

INCAPACITY BENEFIT

a) Inca buzzer (in predictive text).
b) The art of staying still without any desire for money.
c) Poorly paid productivity hiatus. (see JobSeeker’s Allowance.)

INDELIBLE THINK

Permanent psychological scarring, the result of being duped by a wide-boy.

INFANTICIDE

A lie or lies introduced into a community to prevent the growth and spread of the truth.

INTROSPECTION

Musicologist’s tendency to study the first bars of songs so as to improve their chances of winning pub quizzes.

INTUITION

a) Pedagogic instruction on entering a place, thing or person.

b) Advice on physical geographical relocation.

c) (Slang.) Term for “Don’t be out, be in.” A street term for non-conformity.

JEALOUSY

The feeling a person gets when they’ve lost their green-coloured gelatin dessert.

JOB SEEKER’S ALLOWANCE

Small publicly funded retainer for those searching for the pot of gold at the end of the rainbow coalition.

JOCULAR

a) (Med.) Relating to the eye(s) of a Scottish person

b) Characterized by joking and good humour, especially in Scotland.

KERNEL

A military nut.

KINGDOM

Contraceptive used by big heads of state.

KNOW

A well-informed refusal. Works best aurally.

KRAKATOA

Fractured metatarsal of any Italian footballer. Condition usually the result of an encounter with Signore Gentile.

LABORATORY

(political) Modern term for a politician who, from his views, could belong to either of the two main parties.

LATE

A cup of pretentious coffee that has gone cold.

LATENCY

Sexual anxiety

LATENT

Temporary site of getting lucky.

LEFT

a) (math. & pol.) Remaindeer. “Rudolph had a red nose, therefore he was on the Left.” A mantra of the neo-conservatives. This is why Santa was blacklisted in the ‘fifties.

b) Someone that has the temerity to oppose the status quo and suggest that advanced global capitalism may not be the best system of human socio-political organisation.

c) Someone standing on the grave of liberalism.

d) (obs.) A term to describe the side of your body opposite to your right; now called ‘other side’.

e) (US pol. & slang) Person that does not deserve to live on God’s Good Green Earth.

LEOTARD

Persons born under the sign of the lion who are conceited enough to be consistently late for any appointment and/or rendezvous.

LEVITY

Amusement brought on by floating in mid-air.

LEWD

Being locked in a lavatory.

LEY LINES

Seduction list or chat up narratives

LIQUORICE

A jocular westernised name for a Japanese alcoholic beverage.

LIGAMENT

Full intention to inveigle oneself into the good books of another person or to attain success in a company by obsequious means.

LITURGY

a) An uncontrollable desire to read a classic.
b) Sexual desire in marsupials.
c) Another term for a pyromaniac.

LOBOTOMY

a) A slang term for Daytime TV.

b) (political)  The removing of Clause Four from a now defunct political party.

LOGARITHM

Regular toilet visits.

LOLLY

Of or related to the tendency to lie around.

LUNCH HOUR

Unpaid period of passive dissent.

MAELSTROM

Guitar-playing gentleman

MALE MENOPAUSE

A rest break taken by postal workers.

MANIFESTO

a) An exclamation of surprise clearly expressed.

b) (political)  A contract with a devil you don’t know. (see Pisstake)

MASSEUR

A collective expression of disgust or doubt. Usually results in relief of tension.

METALLURGY

An unsightly rash signalling the onset of a communicable disease caused by over exposure to many elements in the periodic table.

MINGING

a) A very fine vase indeed.
b) (obs.) Acting like a member of a despotic ancient Chinese ruling dynasty.

MINT IMPERIALISM

a) (Mod.) The ultimate best.
b) Economic oppression of indigenous populace by occupying power. Like a breath of fresh dictatorship.

MISCONCEPTION

a) An issue raised in ignorance.
b) (pol. obs.) A child born of woman outside of wedlock.

MISTAKE

Usually a criminal and/or immoral act committed by a member of a ruling elite.

MODERNISATION

A euphemism for political and economic strengthening of ruling elites by their cronies in government.

MONISM

a) Devotee of the famous painting by Leonardo.

b) (Pol. phil.) Someone given remit as customer to complain profusely but who is ultimately impotent politically.

MONKEY

Habitually quiet.

ODIOUS

The propensity to compose poetic lamentations of lost loves.

OLEFACTORY

a) A place of work owned by a company with headquarters in Spain.
b) A film studio where they produce slapstick and pratfall comedies.

OMNIPRESENT

Generally same gifts given repeatedly; usually socks.

ONAN THE BARBARIAN

An uncouth mythic figure reputed to be able to please himself merely by the act of voting.

ORIENTATE

a) To arrange in a particular order, usually in the Far East.

b) (from sports reporting, now obs.) A scoreline rarely, if ever, heard at the Matchroom Stadium (formerly Brisbane Road).

PANTING

Looking for one’s trousers.

PANTALOON

Someone too stupid to find their trousers.

PANTOMIME

a) Exhaustion of an actor with no lines.
b) Performer gesturing that he/she has lost their undergarments.
c) Cookware item used to earn silent quiz points.

PARTNERSHIP

A political vessel whose imminent sinking can be discerned by the fleeing of the powerful and the sacrificing of the steerage.

PEDANT

An ant on the move.

PENDANT

The ant that waits.

PERMIT

Allowed by an employer to change one’s hairstyle to a 70s look.

PERVERSE

Rate on remuneration for poem or song.

PETRIFIED

Afraid of domesticated animals.

PIKESTAFF

Normally upright employee driven to drink like a fish by economic pressures.

PIONEERS

Finger food for cannibals.

PLACATE

a) (US) A strong aversion to conciliatory and peace keeping gestures.
b) (med.) A personal dislike of being here rather than there.
c) A pathological loathing of commemorative discs erected on famous buildings.

POSTMODERNISM

Life after the demise of a state subsidised mail delivery service.

POTENCY

Anxiety of a teletubby

POTENT

Temporary latrine

PRETENSION

The state of supreme confidence before anxiety strikes.

PROLAPSE

a) A mistake made by highly paid professionals.
b) Area in a church for the great unwashed.
c) Circular paths taken repeatedly by an athlete.

PUERILE

a) Anger brought on by provocative logical inconsistency in church.
b) Quintessential goading technique.

PISSTAKE

£3.14159265 .The amount of public purse left after Sir Cumference has claimed his share in a Euclidean political system.

PISTE

A secret meeting of a circle of friendly alcoholics on the slippery slope.

PLATES OF METRE

a) A cockney term for discussing poetic feet.

b) (obs.) Continental crockery

PLEDGE

(political): Something you clean your worktops and wooden tables with for an unforgettable shine. Taken on surface value.

PLUM JOB

a) (vulg.) Service offered by a low-class prostitute.

b) Nepotism amongst members of the plum family.

PLUMMET

Small but not disappointing member of the plum family.

PLUMMETTING

The act of looking for the small but not disappointing member of the plum family.

PMT

Strain felt by the first minister of a Kingdom.

POPULARITY

The sound collective laughter makes when it dies.

POROUS

a) Group of working-class singers.
b) Unrealistic self-pitying voiced by members of ruling elites.

PORPOISE

Studious analysis of ballet competence.

POTTY

Of or related to marijuana.

POTTY MOUTHED

Talking like a hashpipe.

PRELATE

A person or thing that turns up early or on time.

PRIMATE

The first of your close acquaintances.

PRAXIS

“~ makes perfick.” A phrase coined in a well-loved ITV comedy drama.

PROMISE

(political): Something you wipe your behind with (see White Paper).

PROMOTING

A woman or man selling sex in a histrionic fashion.

PROMOTION

a) A missionary rhythm.
b) Describing professional movements. (see Slow Motion.)

PROMULGATE

a) Philosophical obstacle to be cleared.
b) (US) Scandal surrounding the annual school dance.

PROSPERITY

The state of subsidising ruling social and political elites by the working-classes with an electronic gadget in hand. (see Austerity, its political synonym)

PUNGENT

Male adept at word-play

REALITY

a) (political phil.) The prevailing socio-economic and political condition conceived of to subjugate hope.

b) (obs.) A mutually accepted condition describing only immediate and certainly not immutable current existential conditions.

c) Usually expressed as ‘that’s the way it is’.

REINCARNATION

The restrictive yet repeated use of a much processed milk.

A disturbing cultish sect worshipping a milk product they were weaned on. (see Tits)

RELATE

Repeatedly tardy.
Someone not in time for numerous counselling sessions.

RHETORICAL QUESTION

What’s the point?

ROGET’D (pronounced ‘rogered’)

What you’ve been when you’ve looked for something that’s even harder to find than an entry in that famous Thesaurus.

ROYAL ASCENT

Social mobility based on irrational, historical anachronism.

ROYAL ASCOT

A privileged water heater.

ROYAL ASSENT

Olde English term for Eau de Toilette for the privileged.

RUMINATE

A dining area.

SEMANTICS

a) (naut.) Bug usually contracted by sailors.

b) (lit.) Lady Samantha’s jolly shenanigans.

SCANDAL

Outrageous photocopy of casual shoe.

SECRETION

An unwanted ability to keep cretinism hidden from others.

SHELF-CONFIDENCE

a) Anyone working in retailing outlets that expect to be employed into the near future.

b) A cocky DIY person.

c) (obs.) A term used by a Marine Geologist to describe their knowledge of the areas around the Australian coasts.

d) (pers.) Someone happy with their own company.

SHIFTING RESOURCE

a) A human moved to another task.

b) (philos.) Sand.

c) (obs.) An employee in a pantechnicon.

SKYDIVING

a) Footballers faking contact for the edification of the TV viewers and the duping of the referee.

b) (coll.) Going down in installments.

SLIP CRADLE

a) Where you can catch good sleep.
b) A metaphor for training aid for would-be lovers.

SLPPERY SLOPE LOGIC

Political debate for those piste on expensive champagne.

SLOW MOTION

a) Dilettante movements.
b) (obs.) House swapping in Berkshire.

SPIRIT LEVEL

(Psych.) State of equilibrium.

SPOKESPERSON

a) Deposed patriarch whose power was turned over in history of female liberation.
b) An unpaid attendant at a bicycle parking lot. Mostly seen in Europe and Asia.

SPREAD BETTING

A gambling impulse to speculate on whether something is margarine or butter.

STORK

A hellish bird that brings you unwanted attentions.

SUPPOSITORY

A friendly term describing the current leader of the once-called Liberal Democrats.

SUPPURATE

A working-class connoisseur of beverages, particularly Real Ales.

SURGICAL TRUSS

A medical nutcase.

TABLING A MOTION

a) Defecating on a particular piece of furniture, usually in boardrooms.

b) (pol.) The act of beginning to talk crap at a meeting or press conference.

TAXIDERMIST

Ambivalent emotional state after a very narrow escape on the road.

TAXIDERMY

A very narrow escape on the road.

TEAR

a) A rent in the heart.
b) (Romantic) To take leave of a loved one. Used first by Shakey in It’s My Parting And I’ll Cry If I Want To.

TENDER

Decimated sensibilities, usually as a result of emotional thrashings in love.

TENDONITIS

A political ailment that results in the decimation of the number of professors in a higher education establishment.

TENSILE

a) The part of a church where the sinners congregate.
b) The place in a supermarket where shoplifters operate.

TENSION

a) Urge to become highly strung.

b) (Psych.) Tendency to reject the decimal system.

TENURE

In a state of indeterminate possession of something measured in decimals. Often used in Job Centre Plus establishments.

THE CHASTITY BELT

A body of asteroids that protect a region of the universe even the Christian Scientists don’t know, biblically.

TICKETY-BOO

The fare levied for a ghost train ride.

TIER

Tender weeping from a great height.

TIS TWAS

A very confused and usually tense Elizabethan.

TOUGH DECISIONS

(political): Legislation that will not adversely affect the ruling elite and their cronies in business.

TRANSPARENT

a) A state beyond maternal and paternal guidance.

b) (political):Lies that are easily seen through. usually Transparency

TRIANGLE

The degree of effort made in any activity.

TRYST

A triumvirate of Shakespearean lovers yearning for privacy.

TWAT

An Elizabethan exclamation of surprise.

(Aero.) Beverage on Trans World Airlines.

(Obsc.) Note of exasperation heard on a Scottish golf links when striking a ball out of bounds for the second time.

TWITTER

Any idiot obsessed with communicating every little piece of solipsistic trivia.

VACUITY

The emptiness one feels after hoovering.

VASSAL

(Cornish derivation) a) A ship of fools.
b) Describing a member of any populace cowed and defeated.

VATIC

a) Reference to value being added.

b) The highest room in a house being used for beer making.

VEGETABLE

A meat-free spread of food laid out for the delectation of persons with an aversion to abattoirs.

VERBOSITY

Compulsion to urge someone else to do something.

VERDIGRIS

a) Making a pigment of oneself.
b) An unpalatable envy.

VICARIOUS

A number of clergymen in the same moral quandary.

VILLANELLE

a) Spiteful and sometimes nefarious female.

b)(Fre.) Alternative to femme-fatale.

VIGOR

(usually US) Couch-potato. One that gets vicarious exercise by watching sport on TV.

WHITE PAPER

(political) Pulped fiction. Used for political bulls**t.

WONDROUS

Singular dross. Usually promulgated by nihilists.

WORDPRESS

The act of inducing someone to whine through interview.

The process of conflation of syntax.

ZITHER

a) Procrastination brought on by lack of sleep.

b) A blemish seen on women.